Why rush a beautiful journey just to arrive? Sex therapist Judy Karr wants people of all ages to enjoy sex, and to recognise that you can never be ‘past it’.
By Jaimee Taylor
Judy Karr’s office is within her own home, making it a friendly place. Full of books, paintings and trinkets it could be considered a little messy, but that’s what makes it so welcoming. The fireplace has multiple ‘thank you’ cards on it, a sign of Judy’s success. In the summer, she opens up the room’s windows which look out onto her immaculately-kept garden, a peaceful area which Judy says helps with mindfulness. Sitting on the soft brown leather sofa, the warm room along with Judy’s kind smile immediately makes you feel at ease and ready to open up. And Judy wants to know about one of the most intimate aspects of people’s lives - sex.
Judy has been a psychosexual therapist since 1998. She started out as a relationship therapist for couples, but many of her clients were coming to her with sexual difficulties. She noticed that there was a clear demand out there for sex therapy, and so when the opportunity came up for her to train in the field, she jumped at the chance. “It’s wonderful, I love it. I love seeing people learn and not being afraid to try something different,” she says.
But it can be difficult. Therapy is about change, and if people don’t want to change then you can’t force them. She admits: “People have responsibility for their own actions and their own decisions, all I can do is help to guide them and help to get them to look at things in a different way to make a good decision with a cool head and a warm heart.”
With over two decades of experience, Judy has seen clients of all ages. But now she wants to encourage more people over the age of 60 to visit a sex therapist. Aged 66 herself, Judy not only has a career full of experience, but it also means she can relate to many of their issues herself.
“Rarely do we see people over 60,” she says. “It’s almost as if there’s a message out there that once you reach a certain age, perhaps when women have their menopause, that they shouldn't be having sex or it’s not possible for them to have sex and that’s absolutely not true. There’s lots of benefits from having sex.”
These include exercise, as well as the production of endorphins and oxytocin. This can increase blood supply to all parts of your body and give your skin a “lovely flush and glow”.
Judy also points out that with many people over the age of 60 being retired, they have more time for sex than most people. She says that with work out of the way, sex doesn’t have to be left until the end of the day. Instead it can be a bit of “afternoon delight”, as she likes to call it.
Judy is a strong believer that sex is not something that should be rushed, which people tell her every day that their partners do. Her favourite saying is “why rush a beautiful journey just to arrive?” encouraging people to slow down and recognise the beauty of skin-on-skin experiences using hands, lips and tongues. She believes the journey is where “the real magic happens”.
With a lack of people over 60 coming in for sex therapy, many of the people that Judy gives advice to are actually her friends, who are of a similar age. She admits that she would not be comfortable giving them therapy, but she’s happy to give a bit of blunt general advice.
“If a friend was having problems with erectile dysfunction I’d say to them, look you’re not 18 anymore when you can get an erection just thinking about sex. You’re going to need a bit more touching and a bit more rubbing,” says Judy.
Despite the bluntness in which Judy can sometimes speak, how she talks makes it clear that she herself proves the stigma of older people no longer caring about sex completely wrong. In fact, the way she describes it as “just another way of communicating” makes you stop and think about the greater meaning behind sex that can so easily be forgotten.
But she does fear that many people out there think that once they hit 60 they are too old for a sex therapist to care about their problems. She often has clients apologising for troubling her when they come with their problems, largely because they believe they are “past it”. But Judy stresses that “there’s no such thing”.
She recognises that there can be difficulties having sex at an older age, but insists that there are ways around it. “Some people may be unable to have intercourse due to medical conditions,” she says. “But when you open up the world of other things you can do together such as oral, outercourse, toys, or even just kissing and laying naked together, you can become much closer. You can enjoy a lovely relationship that does have a physical element even if it’s not the kind of sex you were having when you were younger. It’s just different.”
Judy hopes that in the future people of all ages will consider sex therapy as an option, especially the over 60s who currently seem the most reluctant. Her biggest advice is to remember that sex is supposed to be fun and not to take it too seriously. But most importantly, she says that we all need to remember that “remaining sexual in your golden years is important”.